Firebolts, Tulips, and Granger, oh my!
by Mistress Harmony
Summary: PORTKEY CHALLENGE RESPONSE. Hermione gets a crush on Mickey Tulip, a nerdy seventh year Ravenclaw, who desperately wants to ride a real Firebolt. In an attempt to win his timid little heart, Hermione steals Harry's Firebolt, but all is not well in paradis
1. Mickey Tulip

There he was.

Sitting there like the cute Ravenclaw he was.

His name? Mickey Tulip.

Hermione sighed. _Oh, if only he was mine_, she thought, _then I could all sorts of dirty little things to him_. She stared at him as if he was a little puppy frolicking through the daises. Hermione sighed again. _If only._

Suddenly, the bell rang to signify that Arithimancy was over. Hermione looked over her lecture notes; they all said _Mrs. Hermione Tulip _or _Mickey my man_. She gathered her things and headed to the Great Hall for lunch, accidentally running into Mickey getting out the door.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said timidly.

"Thanks," Hermione said dreamily.

"What?" Replied Mickey.

"Uh...I said 'Thanks...for...apologizing'. Gotta go!" And she ran all the way to the Hall.

---

"'Uld 'oo pass 'e 'ravee?" Mumbled Ron through a mouthful of potatoes.

Harry snickered. Ron had always had poor table manners. As he reached across the table, Hermione plopped down beside him, red with mortification.

"Hermione, what happened?" Harry asked with concern.

"It was awful! He - um, I mean...nothing's wrong."

"Er...okay," replied Harry unconvinced.

The trio remained silent through lunch, except for loud munching in Ron's general direction. When the hall started to clear, Hermione jumped up immediately, surprising Harry so much that he spilled his pumpkin juice on her.

"Bollocks! Sorry Hermione," he said.

"Oh...what? I guess it might rain," she said distractedly.

"What's wrong with you?" Harry asked again.

"Yeah...good lunch...thanks, Harry," was all Hermione said before shooting off in the direction of the library.

"What's her deal?" Harry asked Ron.

"Harry," said Ron after a giant swallow, "there comes a time in every woman's life where she feels that..."

"Oh shut up," he said while hitting Ron lightly on his arm. "So what now - Quidditch?"

"I thought you'd never ask," replied Ron.


	2. Plotting with Loony

Hermione was at it again.

Mickey sat only 3 and 1.56 meters away, yet it felt like a mile to Hermione. She stared at his wonderful curly medium brown head. She sighed dreamily.

Suddenly, Mickey stood up, turned around, and headed to Hermione. Hermione nearly fell out of her chair. She hastily straightened her clothes and smoothed down her hair. He finally reached her table, and was standing right in front of her.

"Hermione, isn't it?"

She gasped for breath. "Er...yes. Yes it is," she mumbled.

"I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. You're not one to blend in," he said with a charming smile.

Hermione said nothing; Mickey cleared his throat before continuing --

"I was wondering if you would go to the Christmas ball with me?"

Now she almost passed out. When she finally found her voice, she murmured, "Yes, I'd love to go with you."

"And after that," he continued, "maybe we could go out sometime? Scratch that -let's go steady!"

Hermione was over-joyed. She couldn't say anything at all. God had heard her prayers!

"Hermione?" Mickey asked, "Hermione? Hermione!"

"WHAT!" She screamed at Luna.

"Oh, sorry," Luna said, "You looked like you were going to pass out or something."

"Oh...oh...I'm sorry Luna. I was a tad bit...er...preoccupied with -"

"With Mickey Tulip?"

All the blood in Hermione's face fell to her toes. Without thinking, she screamed, "WHO TOLD YOU!"

"Shh! You're hurting the books' ears!" scolded Madam Pince, the vulture-like librarian.

"Sorry," muttered Hermione, who then turned back to Luna. "Er...I mean..."

"It's quite alright," Luna interrupted, "Your secret's safe with me."

"Oh, thanks Luna! I dunno what I'd do if Harry or Ron found out!"

"You'd probably curse them so bad they couldn't speak for a week."

"True," Hermione said.

"Well, I guess I had better be off. Nothing much to do, and I'm sure you'd rather get back to your 'studies'." Luna said with a sly grin, using her fingers as quotation marks.

As Luna turned to leave, Hermione called out to her. "Er...Luna? D'you think you could do me another favor?"

"Like what?" Responded Luna.

"Um...this is completely mad but, could you find out some things about him?"

"Such as his interests? Hobbies? Sex life?" Luna asked nonchalantly.

"Well yes, but maybe without the 'sex life' part," Hermione countered.

"Alright. This should be fun. But Hermione, could you maybe do _me_ a favor?"

"Sure. Anything your heart desires."

"Could you hook me up with Ronald?"

Hermione struggled to contain her composure. Luna wants to date _Ron?_ "Um...sure. I'll make an arrangement."

Luna's face brightened, and a wide smile crossed her face. "Thank you so much Hermione! Thank you!" and she ran off.

"The world has officially gone mad." Hermione stated before gathering her things, stealing one last glance at Mickey.

---

Luna approached Mickey like a lioness going in for the kill. _He's my ticket to Ron,_ she thought evilly.

"You! Tulip!" Luna shouted like a drill sargeant.

Poor Mickey, who hadn't been expecting that, promptly fell off the couch in the empty Ravenclaw Grotto.

"Who? Me?" He squeaked.

"Yes, you; who else could I possibly be talking to? Now, I have a few questions for you, _Mickey_." Luna demanded.

"O-okay." Mickey stuttered.

"Alright. No sense in beating about the bush now, is there? So...Mickey...what do you like in a girl?"

"Well...uh..." Mickey thought for a moment. "She has to be easy to get along with, and uh-"

"Wait a moment!" Luna shouted.

"What did I do?" Mickey questioned startedly.

Luna sighed. "You didn't do anything. I've got to get out some parchment and a quill." As she fished out some spare parchment and a slightly bent quill, Mickey collected himself.

"Now," Luna continued, "Repeat yourself."

"Er..." Mickey began. "Come on now, let's not wait for the grass to grow!" Luna exclaimed sounding annoyed. _Why did I do this to myself?_

"Okay! My ideal girl has to be easy to get along with. I'd like a girl who can carry on a conversation, one that is semi-studious - but not a complete bookworm. And it'd be an added plus if she was attractive. Oh, and she must, above all else, love Quidditch and know how to fly a broom."

Luna finished writing all this down a few seconds after Mickey had stopped talking. "Er...are we done?" Mickey queried.

"Not yet!" Luna barked.

Mickey gulped. "O-kay."

"Now," Luna continued, "tell me about yourself. Dislikes? Likes? Murder victims?"

Mickey paused for a moment. "Well, I don't like complete airheads. I really hate brown-nosers, and people who have to be in the right all the time. I like people you can have fun with. And I haven't had any murder victims...recently." Mickey laughed at his own joke, but when he noticed the searing look from Luna, he abruptly stopped by clearing his throat. "So...are we done here?"

Luna rolled her eyes. "One more thing," she said.

"What?" asked Mickey.

"Does your ideal girl have to basically wear as little clothing as possible and wearthree pounds of make-up?"

Mickey's face turned red. "Well...uh...no, but...she-she'd have to look nice...make-up's a nice thing, but -"

"_Oh-kay_andwe are done here!" Luna shouted over his mumblings. She gathered her things and left the Grotto as quickly as she could. "Goodbye, Tulip." She called sternly.

"Oh God," Mickey said aloud, "I think Luna Lovegood likes me."


	3. Incentives and Annoyances

Luna plopped down in front loudly in front of Hermione, clearly spent.

"You're late," said Hermione indifferently.

"Honestly Hermione, next time pick a tougher guy. Mickey's a real pushover." Luna said bluntly.

"No he isn't!" Hermione whispered defensively. "He's a gentleman!"

"Ix-nay on the 'man' part," muttered Luna.

"What was that?" Hermione asked.

"Nothing. Anyhoo, here's what I found out -" Luna took out the parchment and sat it in front of Hermione " - hope it helps."

Hermione examined the parchment carefully. As she went down the list, she became more and more forlorn. "He wants a sporty girl," she said gloomily.

"Not necessarily. Just a girl who's fun to be around...likes Quidditch...knows how to ride a broom..." Luna appeared to be deep in thought. "Yeah, pretty much a sporty girl."

"I'm screwed." Hermione sighed.

"Looks like it. Wait a moment!" Luna exclaimed, causing Madam Pince to glare at her, "Hermione, you're best friends with two of the most Quidditch-loving guys in school! Just ask one of them to give you pointers on flying and the concept of Qudditch!" Luna finished proudly.

Hermione beamed. "Luna, you're a genius!" This caused Luna to glow, then she said, "Why don't you ask Ronald?"

Scoffing, Hermione said, "Have you ever seen him fly? He's a madman! I'll just ask Harry. Oh, I hope it doesn't give Mickey the wrong idea!"

"What do you mean?" Luna asked.

"Remember Viktor?"

"Ooh...yeah...well, I'm sure he won't think anything of it. Everyone knows you and Harry are just friends," Luna finished this with a trace of a knowing smile on her face.

"Yeah..._just friends_,'" Hermione said, slightly sullenly.

"Well, I suppose I'm off. Oh and Hermione, don't forget about the other end of our bargain."

"Oh, right. I'll talk to Ron tonight." Hermione replied.

"'Kay. See ya later!" Luna called from the door.

"Bye," said Hermione and gathered her books. _Well,_ she thought to herself, _I imagine this task will be much harder than a silly old History of Magic essay._

_---_

Harry sighed. That girl had been following him around _all_ day. The only thing he knew about her was that she was a Gryffindor 5th year, and she clearly fancied him. Ever since breakfast she had trailed him like a trapper hunts a fox. Only when he stopped at the portrait hole did she call out to him.

"Harry, darling!" She said sweetly.

_Oh Merlin,_ Harry thought disdainfully and turned around.

She was about a head shorter than Harry, with big blue eyes. She had blonde hair that seemed to curl perfectly at the ends, and she was very thin. All in all, she was a lovely girl, but Harry failed to notice.

"You called?" Harry said with a hint of annoyance.

"Yes, I just wanted to say hi. My name's Annabelle, but you can call me Annie." Annabelle said this with a big smile, showing off her perfect rows of white teeth and extending a hand.

"My name's H -"

"Oh, I know your name silly. Of course you're Harry Potter. Listen, I'm part of a club and a few girls asked me to interview you for a poll we recently did."

"And what, pray tell, would it be called?" Harry asked, his annoyance clear to the trained ear.

"What? The poll? It was called 'Top 10 Hottest Guys in Hogwarts.' Of course _you're_ right on the top of the list, Harry."

_Ugh,_ Harry thought, _I'll never be able to hear my name again._

"Please? It would greatly benefit our club," Annabelle said.

She looked at him with the saddest expression he had ever seen. Well, second saddest. The first belonged to Hermione from when she saw Winky passed out in the kitchens earlier that year.

"Sure. Does eleven o' clock sound good?" He found his mouth saying as his head was thinking something entirely different, and entirely rude.

"Good. Oh, and that Granger girl won't be around, will she? After all, we just want to interview _you_, Harry."

Wanting to contain his anger, Harry quickly turned about-face and muttered the password, entering the portrait hole and leaving Annabelle behind. Harry was sure he almost distinctively heard the Fat Lady say something like, "Are you going to stand around all day, you little tart?"

---

"Hello, Mickey," Hermione said in a sultry voice.

"Oh, h-hi," Mickey stuttered. _What is with all these girls?_

"What are you working on?" Hermione asked in the same sultry tone.

"Oh nothing really, just this drawing of a Firebolt. Man, what I wouldn't give to ride one of those!"

Mickey held up his drawing of the Firebolt. Hermione examined it, and thought it was a masterpiece. Strangely, it looked exactly like Harry's; however, Hermione failed to notice.

"One of my friends has one of those," Hermione replied nonchalantly.

"Who?" Mickey queried.

"Oh, just Harry."

"HARRY POTTER! I mean, really?"

"Yeah." Hermione replied calmly.

"That is so cool. D'you think he'd ever...er...let me ride on it?"

Hermione thought for a moment. If she asked Harry to let Mickey ride his broom, he'd probably say no. _It is his baby, you know, _Hermione's conscience muttered, which sounded somewhat like Harry's voice. On the other hand, Mickey would notice her and think she was cool. Hermione's mind contemplated the choices, while her voice chose to take the latter.

"Of course he would!"

"Really? Oh wow. You rock, Hermione!"

Hermione beamed. She _rocked._

"Yeah, I'll ask him about it tonight."

"Oh my...oh my..." Mickey looked at Hermione for a millisecond, then darted in the direction of the Ravenclaw's Grotto.

_What have I gotten myself into?_ Hermione asked herself as she turned to leave.

_You never listen to me. In all my days - _

"Oh shut it, you!" Hermione yelled at the voice.

_Ugh. So rude!_


	4. Discovery

**A/N: This chapter contains Ron and Luna - I love this couple, so if you don't, please don't waste my time in telling me so.**

**---**

Hermione made her way into the Common Room and instantly saw untidy raven hair making its way up to the Boy's Dormitory. _Here's my chance! _Hermione thought.

She proceeded to follow Harry as she caught different glance at vivid red hair. _'Oh dear,'_ Hermione thought, _I've got to talk to Ron for Luna! I suppose Harry can wait, after all, I _did _promise her._

"Hey, Ron!"

Ron looked up from his nearly blank parchment sheet. Seeing it was Hermione, his face softened. "Just in the nick of time," he whispered to himself as Hermione made her way over.

"Good thing you're here, Hermione, I'm completely lost on -"

"Listen Ron, I've got to ask you something."

"Okay, what?" Ron asked suspiciously.

"Well...I was talking with Luna the other day...and it seems...well, it seems -"

"Just spit it out, Hermione!"

"WouldyouevergooutwithLuna?" Hermione mumbled.

"What?"

"WOULD YOU EVER GO OUT WITH LUNA?" Hermione shouted, causing the redhead to fall off the armchair.

"Bloody hell Hermione! Since when does 'spit it out' mean 'shout at Ron until he goes deaf'?"

"Sorry, but I'm in a bit of a hurry." Hermione said in an apologetic tone.

"Okay. Apology accepted. But since when does Loony Luna like me?" Ron asked sarcastically.

"Well, I don't know, but I think possibly fifth year," Hermione responded.

"I guess she couldn't resist the Ronmeister," Ron replied, smoothing his hair like a male model.

"Oh stop it, you git." Hermione promptly smacked him in the face with a pillow. "Well, what's your answer?"

"You know, since you have resorted to violence I just may not -"

"Ron!"

"Alright fine! I suppose it wouldn't be _so _awful though."

"Why's that?"

"Well, Luna can't have the name 'Lovegood' for no reason." At this, Ron waggled his eyebrows mischeviously.

Hermione's face contorted to that of disgust. "RON!"

"Hey, you asked."

---

Harry flopped down on his bed, ready for a good night's sleep. However, he bolted right out of bed to discover a body lying in it.

"What the -"

"Harry!"

_Oh God_, Harry thought, _why now?_

"Harry, did you forget about out little meeting?" Annabelle asked.

"No," Harry responded with gritted teeth, "its only 10 o' clock. You said eleven."

"Well, I just wanted to be sure I could talk to you without that..._girl_...interrupting." Harry didn't like the way she put the emphasis on 'girl'.

"And just what _girl_ are you talking about?" Harry asked, his anger rising.

"Well, Hermione Granger. Honestly, she gets involved with everything you do! Doesn't she have a life of her own to busy herself with? I suppose not, she's not exactly gorgeous-"

"Shut up!" Harry yelled, quieting Annabelle instantly, "She's twice the woman you'll ever be, looks included! Consider this 'meeting' cancelled! I don't want anything to do with someone who insults one of my very good friends, whom I happen to care about! Now GET OUT!"

Annabelle jumped out of Harry's bed and sped out the door in a blur of blonde hair and black robes. Harry, seething, kicked his trunk, suddenly regretting it, and began to vent as he massaged his throbbing foot.

"How _dare _she talk about Hermione like that? 'Nosy' my arse! Hermione only cares about what the hell I do! 'Not exactly gorgeous' ha! Hermione's the most beautiful girl I've ever met! Her personality shows that! She's kind, giving, thoughtful..." Harry began to speak softer and slower, "She's perfect," he finally whispered.

Harry lay back on his bed, staring at the ceiling. _She's perfect_, his mind kept repeating. "Why haven't I noticed before?" He asked himself. _Oh you have, _his internal monologue countered,_ you've just been caught up in - bugger that. You've just been too idiotic to DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT._

"Well, Hermione would _never_ like me," Harry responded.

_You never know until you get off your arse and find out,_ the voice replied.

"Yeah..." Harry muttered before drifiting into a deep sleep.

---

Hermione tiptoed up the Girl's Dormitories staircase carrying Harry's broom. She hadn't meant to just _take_ it like that, but seeing that girl in Harry's bed had caused something to snap inside her. She was suddenly furious with Harry, and, not wanting to make a scene, spotted the Firebolt lying beside his trunk. She paid no mind to Harry and the girl's conversation and got out of the Boy's Dormitory as quickly as she could. Then she had raced to the other side of the Common Room and up the stairs, sat down in the middle of them, and caught her breath.

_How could Harry do that?_ She had asked herself,_ I thought he would at least take the time to know a girl's last name before...before..._

_Shouldn't you give him the benefit of the doubt?_ The other voice, Harry's voice, asked. _You don't know for sure that's what they were doing._

"I don't care," she said aloud, "he can do whatever the bloody hell he likes. It's not my business."

_Then why do you care so much?_

"I..." Hermione couldn't respond. "I'm going to bed," she finished lamely as she got up and headed to her bed.

As she lay down, she began talking to herself again. "Tomorrow I'll talk to Mickey and he'll ride the Firebolt and like me. I can just forget about Harry."

The voice, after being ignored since the staircase incident, replied _, If you could, wouldn't you have already?_


	5. Payback

Hermione sauntered in to the Great Hall for breakfast Saturday morning. She did not want to face Harry and she had had a horrible night. She kept dreaming of what happened when she took his broom.

"'Ello Er-My-Nee," Ron mumbled through a mouthful of eggs.

Hermione responded with a yawn. She quickly restrained herself from sitting next to Harry and plopped down next to Ron. Harry seemed to notice the abrupt change.

"Hermione, is something wrong?" He asked, eyeing her strangely. Hermione looked slightly worse for wear; her hair was extra bushy, her clothes rumpled, and she wore a scowl on her sleep-deprived face.

"Just peachy," she said nastily, "I'm sure _you_ had a great time last night."

"No," Harry said slowly, "not exactly."

Just as Hermione was about to respond, Mickey entered the Hall. Her head shot toward the doors, and she quickly tried to smoothe down her hair.

"Hi...Hermione," Mickey hesitated on her name as he made his way to the Ravenclaw table.

"Hi," Hermione greeted back. As Mickey sat down, Ron turned to look at Hermione.

"And who may _that _be?" Ron asked in a sweet tone.

"Mickey. Mickey Tulip. He's...er...a friend," Hermione answered nervously. Unfortunatley, Ron wasn't finished.

"Yeah...I'm sure - a _friend_," Harry caught Ron's eye, though he didn't really want to poke fun at Hermione, he immediatley disapproved of Mickey hanging around with Hermione.

"He's a bit scrawny, isn't he Ron?" Harry asked, not noticing the look on Hermione's face.

"Yeah. And what kind of name is 'Tulip' any way? Sounds a bit...fruity, if you will." At this, Hermione shot Ron a scathing glance.

"Don't you dare -"

"What's wrong, Hermione?" Ron asked, "Don't like us talking about your little daisy?"

"Daisy, Ron?" Harry asked, "That's a bit harsh. I'd say he's more of a...no, 'daisy' works." Both boys erupted in laughter; Hermione, however, failed to see the humor.

"Don't you talk about him like that! That's enough of your jokes!" Hermione shouted, causing a few Gryffindors to stare at her.

"What's wrong, Hermione? Is he Vice-President for _spew_?" Ron said. This was apparently too much for Hermione.

"DETENTION!" She bellowed. Harry and Ron stared at her.

"Are you mad!" Ron yelled back, standing up.

"Hermione, this is unfair! We were just having a bit of fun!" Harry stood up as well.

One terrifying glare from Hermione sat them both back down.

"No, I'm _not_ joking! I'm the bloody Head Girl and I can give you detention if I feel like it - and I do! Detention for both of you - tonight! No exception!" With that, Hermione stormed out of the Great Hall.

Harry and Ron shared a look, and at the same time said, "_Women!_"

---

"Cannot _believe _them...absolutely rude...just...ARGH!"

Hermione tripped over Harry's Firebolt lying by her bed. She picked up the broom and flung it across the room. She screamed in frustration again.

Hermione couldn't believe the way the boys had acted. She knew Ron would be unbearable if he found out, but not _that_ unbearable. After what she had witnessed last night from Harry, he was on the top of her Black List as of this morning.

She glanced at the clock, 10:08 AM. She decided she'd head off to the Library to catch up on her work, "accidentally" run into Mickey, and ask him when they should meet. Hermione decided this afternoon would work, mainly because this was the time she had decided that Harry and Ron's detention should be.

Hermione decided to inform Professor McGonagall that she had given the boys detention and they should meet McGonagall at 3-ish. She also thought of telling the Head of House to make the detention extra-long, as she didn't know when Mickey would be through. She also wanted the boys to suffer.

She walked out the portrait hole and headed in the direction of McGonagall's office. Hermione felt a sick happiness knowing Harry would be paying for what he had done - the teasing and that girl. Hermione raised her hand to knock on the door.


End file.
